I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
