his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
