he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
