Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize