you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
