Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
