You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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