I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
