I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
