worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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