We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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