I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
