Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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