Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
