My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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