You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
