my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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