Me. At least after what I've been through.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
