I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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