Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
