I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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