I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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