you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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