So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
