the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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