Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize