Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
