I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
