I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
