Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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