did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize