I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
