Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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