Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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