I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
