I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My bed smells like the plague
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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