My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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