Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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