im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
