My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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