this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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