oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
