i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
