Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
