i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize