I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So vagazzling was a success
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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