Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
