If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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