I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
