Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
