I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
