Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
