my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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