Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
