Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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