I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
