That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
