after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
