I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We left the knife in your bed.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
