There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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