we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
