if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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